A bump in the road...

What I have realised over time is the sheer exaggeration of my reaction to situations. What Rex seems to do is that he takes a minor doubt or problem and magnifies beyond due proportion, thus resulting in an extreme reaction to an otherwise simple complication. What I mean is - well, let me use the analogy of a tiny bump in a road. Normally, one would be little disturbted by the bump and thus react minimally, paying little or not attention to the bump (representative of an issue - doubt or insecurity). Yet, upon feeling this little 'bump' I react in an exaggerated manner and thus my response to the mere, seemingly simple bump is an extreme one. This extreme response to even the slightest of issues defines my mood swings, I guess. It's as if even the tinniest of problems is magnified and I react to it extremely- overreact is the word. 

I guess I have to learn to control my emotions, and relearn how to respond to 'bumps' of varying sizes, for inevitably I will have to pass over them.  

To believe a lie

To believe Rex- to believe a voice, a illusion, a lie, is to discount everything else- the truth, love and to belittle every moment we have shared together and every dream we have held onto. To believe the lie is to forget the truth of what is real, and that is love. To believe the lie is to discount and belittle every kiss we have shared, ever kind word. To believe the lie is to make every 'I love you' meaningless and every kiss worthless. To believe the lie is to make every warm embrace empty and every glance nothing. To believe the lie is to diminish the truth and to disregard what is important- the other person, and what really matters- love. 

(Return to this post and the past three, so as to remember that to believe Rex is to believe in a lie that promises nothing but pain.)

Another to post to re-read

He plays on my doubts and insecurities. He inflames them and makes them super-massive. Thus he uses my doubts to fuel the illusion of his existence. An example of this is when my gf makes the tinniest of comments- he takes it and forges a doubt, then enlarges it until it is so big that I believe the lie. The process is quick clear. #1: Doubt- he takes a minor doubt and makes it seem real, though it is not. #2: Lie- I believe his lie- the doubt and use it to justify wrong actions, for example, doubting love. :(. #3: Effect- hurting a person I love, at whom, the lie is directed. That's the vicious cycle that I draw people into. 

I believed his lie for long enough, now I have to re-assess what is real and what really matters. I guess my motto then should be, quite simply, love is real. For Rex made me doubt that my gf loves me and I believed his lie instead of what my gf told me. For that, I am ashamed.  

The trick

Rex never left, he only re-invented himself, but his influence never changed. He tricked me- tricked me into believing that he was gone; that I was better. Better, which to me, meant perfect. 

When my gf and my friend Sami told me that I was not better, I refused to believe them, instead I believed the illusion- Rex. And so things got worse, not just for me, for you see... my gf was affected also. She felt second-best to a voice. I doubted her love for me, but didn't doubt Rex. In other words, I doubted love and reality, but never for a second doubted illusion- Rex. Imagine how my gf felt. I feel so bad. Because this has hurt her more than it has hurt me. Imagine all tears this has brought her. All because I believed an illusive lie- a voice, instead of she who loves me. 

This is another post I have to return to if I plan to recover, for otherwise, I'll forget and be caught in the same vicious cycle, drawing my gf into it also, and once again, hurting a person I love.

At last, reminded of what is real

In a moment of revelation, I am reminded of what is real and then realize what is not. What is reality and what is fantasy. Love is real, Rex is not. 

And this where I also realize my fault, in placing fantasy above reality, illusion above truth, Rex above love. No-wonder my gf feels the way she does, considering that she is placed second to a voice-to illusion; an illusion that doubts love itself; an illusion that leads me to doubt that she loves me. Now I see, finally, the toll this is taking upon her; the cruel affect that this has upon her. 

I am left seemingly with a choice- to choose love or choose Rex; to choose reality or to choose illusion. The choice is made difficult because I can not discern reality from fantasy. I forget so quickly what is real and what is not. Hence, I must return to this post frequently- reading it over and over again, to absorb what it really means to be writing this.

My choice affects not only me, but even more-so, the people I love, especially Ash. So, I'm left with the choice in the end, to choose her- to choose love, or to choose Rex- illusion. 

I am reminded of a powerful scene in the movie The Beautiful Mind, where Tom (I think his name is), who is suffering from schizophrenia, asks his wife what is real. She responds in a meaningful gesture, taking his hand to her heart and says: 'This is real.'

What's wrong with me?

He follows me where-ever I go. I can't get rid of him, because he's in my head; twisting every thought- turning me into him. I have so much to be thankful for, yet I am so ungrateful- lest, that's how I feel about it. He stalks me. I had to turn on the light in the hallway to get this laptop so that I could type this. Type this, after I cried on the kitchen floor- why? I don't know. But the emotions surged and continue to surge, one after the other, guilt, anger, fear... they keep stirring in my soul as I cry out into empty space and beat myself with a stick which ironically broke. I don't know what's wrong. I don't know why I should be sad. I have so much good things- happy things in my life, yet I am ungrateful. There it is again, guilt. Who perpetuates these thoughts- me? Rex? Am I really selfish? Or am I just confused? 

All day, I've seen them, images of the perfect, the ideal- the standard that I could never dream of becoming. I'm reminded of it all the time, I can never escape it. In the streets, the images stand stark and bold, highlighting the seemingly perfect illusion. Even in the company of friends, my ugliness is remarked upon and made the subject of fun. To be nice, I just smile and nod, hoping that one day someone won't compare me to a monster. I don't want to tell my friends' to stop, because I want them to stop. I just want someone to look beyond the surface, and see something else. Then again, I'm a hypocrite- or so it seems. 

I wish these feelings would not stir so rapidly, and that Rex were no longer part of me. I still have trouble accepting my humanity- it's as if these feelings are new, or as though I don't know how to handle them. Yet, even in posting this I feel a tinge of guilt, for there are people with worser problems than Rex. What's wrong with me? Who am I?

Lesson learnt

Lesson learnt - don't leave holiday homework until the last day.