Goals 08

I know it's slightly early, but I have set some of my goals for 2008.

I do not aim to try and get dux next year, but rather to do my own actual personal best. My reward will be in attaining my VCE, but also, more-over, in having the wonderful opportunity to learn, make new friendships and enjoy this experience with all its trials and moments of elation, and of course, sincere friendship and community.

Uncertainties

Let go of your uncertainties, that they may be dissolved. Learn to trust. Destiny awaits. Was it not William Shakespeare who grandly said, "It is not in the stars to determine our destiny, but in ourselves."

Words

Words are meaningless without the depth of experience. Is it not experience the reason we are driven to write words? Sad experiences and happy ones- they each have unique words and ways of describing them, yet despite all that, the words remain scribbles. It is how they are interpreted that creates the imagery. For a picture is worth a thousand words, or the words worth a thousand pictures if interpreted correct?

These are just my ramblings as I struggle with opposing strands of thought. One that tells me to be quiet, silent and absorb it all; the other that tells me to express. I'm so confused, but also fearful of which path is right. Which path will not lead to pain, not so much on my behalf. This is so confusing, and words seem little to illustrate confusion, save to say that it is like a whirling mess of thoughts and emotions- a thunderstorm even, of sudden and swift turbulent shifts. 

Try

There are moments that bring out the best in us, sometimes it's the best feelings, sometimes it's our best qualities. Tonight seemed like one of those moments that you want to hold on to and latter say, 'Remember when?' Because there is a feeling attached to such moments, that gives it meaning and depth.

Tonight, Ash, Brooke and I journeyed through Crown. We initially arrived to see the new Transformers film, but we arrived exceptionally early (about 3 hours early, an estimate) So we strolled through Galactic Circus and played the games there. One of which, involved all three of us, and we did really well in. It was heaps of fun, thrilling and unifying. The movie was great also, comical but also deep in certain aspects.

I arrived home feeling elated, and I realised that this is a great starting point for change. For change requires action, to assist that, I have tried doing something practical. I wrote, in purple ink, on my hand, the Latin word veritas, which means truth. My hope is that every-time I see that word I will ask myself, what is the truth? And I'll be able to answer to myself, it is quite simply love. That way, I hope, that I will remember what is most important, the people I love - family and friends, my girlfriend whom I care about. That way, I hope, I'll remember that I do really care and so to I must express that care. 

This may all sound ridiculous, but I hope that this single Latin word will trigger a wave of positive thoughts that will help me remember the important things in life.

I also wrote, on each finger of one hand, the letters T, R and Y, collectively spelling 'Try'- to remind me to keep on trying, no matter how difficult it is to change for the better. 

Last time Ash, Sami and I went out together, we bought patterned friendship bracelets, which I now plan to wear as often as I can, to also remind me of my friends, and that I do care for them and that they are important to me, so I should act thus. 

Guilt and change

I feel guilty. I didn't mean to make it sound as though I was blaming my mum for my problems. I don't blame her, she was sick and had little or no control over her actions and moods. But yet, I am doing the same thing, in a way. I can't seem to control my own moods and have hurt my girlfriend because of that. Hence, I feel guilty. She has been through so much adversity and is now even considering moving back to Tasmania. I feel partly responsible for this urge. I struggle to change, so so much. Why is change so difficult? I fear putting her under so much stress, oh please, I just want to change for the better so we could be happier together. She deserves more than just this; I really want her to be happy in our relationship, but first, I have to change. So why is it so hard?

Further in and further up

Reading some of Teildhard de Chardin's theories for Re has been interesting and much of it makes sense, particularly the concept of a constant evolution toward an Omega Point. This includes the evolution of the geosphere- inanimate matter, to the biosphere- rich diversity of life (our 'seed-stage'), and onward toward the noosphere, or in religious context, the Kingdom, in which one is 'born again' in a 'spiritual body'  Such ideas can linked to creative works, such as C.S. Lewis' the Chronicles of Narnia, in which the characters progress 'further in and further up' to higher consciousness in a mystical sense. 

Just thought I'd write this because it sounded interesting to me.

Controlling...

You (me) can not control the flow of a relationship. 

I remember, some time last year, the school counsellor told me to 'trust in the relationship', but since then, my own insecurities have dominated, magnified by Rex and manifested in lingering doubts and unnecessary conflicts. 

Jenny (the school counsellor) was right, I have to 'trust in the relationship' Yet, I have an issue with trust, being pedantic as I am, I seek certainity, which in this case, isn't such a good thing. 

But yes, anyway, just a pondering... I can not control the flow of relationships in my life; it's unrealistic to think that I can, because in a sense, though I influence these, I can never 'control' them and how outcomes turn-out. I guess the key is to go with the flow?