Don't let him get to you..

Just a reminder to myself...

Do NOT let him (the illusive voice- 'rex') get to you!

When he does, it causes unnecessary conflict and hurt.

So remember...

Do NOT let him get to you!

It's a thought, not a fact.

Talking to people

It's so much easier to talk to people when you speak to them as a person, on a personal level, rather than as someone who is 'this' or 'that' This is another pondering, but I kinda noticed that when trying to communicate with people using either secondary info or perhaps assumptions gained by observation, one can not really get far. (Or at least, I thought so) But when talking to someone on a personal level, you can not only empathise, but also listen and in a way understand, but also, most importantly, really communicate. 

I think I should make that my goal, as a friend, to communicate on a personal level, instead of (mis)communication via contextual assumptions. It's a challenge, but I guess it should become part of what I'd like to change, since I tend to communicate more on assumptions that aggregrate in moods of attitudes towards a person. This could be perhaps be called a form of prejudice.

So, that should be my goal, as a friend, to communicate on a personal level.

Hope this post made sense.

When you miss someone...

When you miss someone, does your heart ache? I miss my girlfriend, for many reasons. She has taken a break, from what I understand, because she is stressed-out. (Secondary information) I can't help but feel partly responsible for her being stressed-out, because she has had much trouble in speaking to me and has been so worried about me. Also, last night, she blamed herself for me leaving the internet. The actual reason was that Rex was getting to me and I didn't want to take that out on her, so I left. I should've told her that though. I hope she is okay. 

I feel really bad though, as though it's my fault that she's stressed-out, considering all the things that have been happening lately. I just want her to be happy, and so, for us to be happy in our relationship, I have been trying to stop Rex from getting to me and creating unnecessary conflict. Some of the time, I was able to not act on the 'Rex impulse' and I released that so much of the conflict that the 'Rex impulse' causes is actually unnecessary. But then, I feel guilty for letting him get to me. 

I miss my girlfriend- I hope she's content. And I really hope that I can try even harder to block the voice that threatens to tear us apart, so that she may be content in our relationship. She has worked hard for all this, through terrible adversity. She deserves to be happy. 

Is society superficial?

Don't you just get sick of it- seeing images of the perfect, the ideal figure, being sold to you, forced down your throat by a market relying on the slogan 'sex sells' What does it sell? Much more than mere products, but the image- more-often-than-not, an unrealistic image which people are forced to digest and then prompted to transform themselves to meet the impossible standard of a fantastical figure. 

For girls, (I am being general), this seemingly 'perfect' image imposes pressure to become ever-thinner and ever-sexier 'cos that's what the boys' like' and that is 'perfect' For guys, (again, being general) it's the pressure to bulk-up with muscle-mass, minimal fat and a tanned complexion, 'cos that's hot' 

Yet it's so hard not to swallow this image; so hard to not try and live-up to it, as unrealistic as it is. Why? Maybe because this image is everywhere and it screams ever-illusively 'perfection' and 'be me' Yet, it is only a fantasy, an illusion- artificial; an unreal and superficial perception of beauty that is warped beyond comprehension. 

I am reminded of the Savage Garden song, Affirmation, a line of which reads: 'I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul.'   

Doing more...

Do you ever get the feeling that no-matter what you do, you must never stop; you must always do more? Or perhaps that you are not doing enough? What is the measure of 'enough' though and who can measure it? 

Sayings and doings

What people say, what they mean and what they do are three different things. I guess therefore, when someone says something, it may depend on what they to have to say and why they're saying it. Sorry, this is a ramble over nothing really... just thoughts, but not generally facts. 

Thought not a fact

It's a thought, not a fact. I have to remind of myself of that, especially in this very moment- when a powerful thought of doubt in my gf's faithfulness is threatening to cause me to act in an extreme. If I act on this thought (not fact) I'll be giving into Rex and ultimately hurting my gf. I can't let that happen- not again. This is how the cycle always begins, with a simple thought, to which I react extremely. I gotta remember... it's a thought, not a fact. It's not real- it's just a thought and only that. What is real? It's love, and I can't choose the thought above love; I can't lash my anger out on my gf or anyone because of a thought placed there by a voice. It is a thought, not a fact. It isn't real, but love is. God help me to challenge the voice in my head.

A bump in the road...

What I have realised over time is the sheer exaggeration of my reaction to situations. What Rex seems to do is that he takes a minor doubt or problem and magnifies beyond due proportion, thus resulting in an extreme reaction to an otherwise simple complication. What I mean is - well, let me use the analogy of a tiny bump in a road. Normally, one would be little disturbted by the bump and thus react minimally, paying little or not attention to the bump (representative of an issue - doubt or insecurity). Yet, upon feeling this little 'bump' I react in an exaggerated manner and thus my response to the mere, seemingly simple bump is an extreme one. This extreme response to even the slightest of issues defines my mood swings, I guess. It's as if even the tinniest of problems is magnified and I react to it extremely- overreact is the word. 

I guess I have to learn to control my emotions, and relearn how to respond to 'bumps' of varying sizes, for inevitably I will have to pass over them.  

To believe a lie

To believe Rex- to believe a voice, a illusion, a lie, is to discount everything else- the truth, love and to belittle every moment we have shared together and every dream we have held onto. To believe the lie is to forget the truth of what is real, and that is love. To believe the lie is to discount and belittle every kiss we have shared, ever kind word. To believe the lie is to make every 'I love you' meaningless and every kiss worthless. To believe the lie is to make every warm embrace empty and every glance nothing. To believe the lie is to diminish the truth and to disregard what is important- the other person, and what really matters- love. 

(Return to this post and the past three, so as to remember that to believe Rex is to believe in a lie that promises nothing but pain.)

Another to post to re-read

He plays on my doubts and insecurities. He inflames them and makes them super-massive. Thus he uses my doubts to fuel the illusion of his existence. An example of this is when my gf makes the tinniest of comments- he takes it and forges a doubt, then enlarges it until it is so big that I believe the lie. The process is quick clear. #1: Doubt- he takes a minor doubt and makes it seem real, though it is not. #2: Lie- I believe his lie- the doubt and use it to justify wrong actions, for example, doubting love. :(. #3: Effect- hurting a person I love, at whom, the lie is directed. That's the vicious cycle that I draw people into. 

I believed his lie for long enough, now I have to re-assess what is real and what really matters. I guess my motto then should be, quite simply, love is real. For Rex made me doubt that my gf loves me and I believed his lie instead of what my gf told me. For that, I am ashamed.  

The trick

Rex never left, he only re-invented himself, but his influence never changed. He tricked me- tricked me into believing that he was gone; that I was better. Better, which to me, meant perfect. 

When my gf and my friend Sami told me that I was not better, I refused to believe them, instead I believed the illusion- Rex. And so things got worse, not just for me, for you see... my gf was affected also. She felt second-best to a voice. I doubted her love for me, but didn't doubt Rex. In other words, I doubted love and reality, but never for a second doubted illusion- Rex. Imagine how my gf felt. I feel so bad. Because this has hurt her more than it has hurt me. Imagine all tears this has brought her. All because I believed an illusive lie- a voice, instead of she who loves me. 

This is another post I have to return to if I plan to recover, for otherwise, I'll forget and be caught in the same vicious cycle, drawing my gf into it also, and once again, hurting a person I love.

At last, reminded of what is real

In a moment of revelation, I am reminded of what is real and then realize what is not. What is reality and what is fantasy. Love is real, Rex is not. 

And this where I also realize my fault, in placing fantasy above reality, illusion above truth, Rex above love. No-wonder my gf feels the way she does, considering that she is placed second to a voice-to illusion; an illusion that doubts love itself; an illusion that leads me to doubt that she loves me. Now I see, finally, the toll this is taking upon her; the cruel affect that this has upon her. 

I am left seemingly with a choice- to choose love or choose Rex; to choose reality or to choose illusion. The choice is made difficult because I can not discern reality from fantasy. I forget so quickly what is real and what is not. Hence, I must return to this post frequently- reading it over and over again, to absorb what it really means to be writing this.

My choice affects not only me, but even more-so, the people I love, especially Ash. So, I'm left with the choice in the end, to choose her- to choose love, or to choose Rex- illusion. 

I am reminded of a powerful scene in the movie The Beautiful Mind, where Tom (I think his name is), who is suffering from schizophrenia, asks his wife what is real. She responds in a meaningful gesture, taking his hand to her heart and says: 'This is real.'

What's wrong with me?

He follows me where-ever I go. I can't get rid of him, because he's in my head; twisting every thought- turning me into him. I have so much to be thankful for, yet I am so ungrateful- lest, that's how I feel about it. He stalks me. I had to turn on the light in the hallway to get this laptop so that I could type this. Type this, after I cried on the kitchen floor- why? I don't know. But the emotions surged and continue to surge, one after the other, guilt, anger, fear... they keep stirring in my soul as I cry out into empty space and beat myself with a stick which ironically broke. I don't know what's wrong. I don't know why I should be sad. I have so much good things- happy things in my life, yet I am ungrateful. There it is again, guilt. Who perpetuates these thoughts- me? Rex? Am I really selfish? Or am I just confused? 

All day, I've seen them, images of the perfect, the ideal- the standard that I could never dream of becoming. I'm reminded of it all the time, I can never escape it. In the streets, the images stand stark and bold, highlighting the seemingly perfect illusion. Even in the company of friends, my ugliness is remarked upon and made the subject of fun. To be nice, I just smile and nod, hoping that one day someone won't compare me to a monster. I don't want to tell my friends' to stop, because I want them to stop. I just want someone to look beyond the surface, and see something else. Then again, I'm a hypocrite- or so it seems. 

I wish these feelings would not stir so rapidly, and that Rex were no longer part of me. I still have trouble accepting my humanity- it's as if these feelings are new, or as though I don't know how to handle them. Yet, even in posting this I feel a tinge of guilt, for there are people with worser problems than Rex. What's wrong with me? Who am I?

Lesson learnt

Lesson learnt - don't leave holiday homework until the last day.

Comforts

A thought just struck me; a consideration as I was drinking my third morning coffee and remembered a brief part of a charitable website. Where do the grains for this delightful drink come from? Who harvests them? When it says 'Made in China' on my jeans, who in China do you suppose made them? Curious, isn't it? Is everything in the West made elsewhere? And do those who work and labour to make these comforts received fairly what is rightfully theirs? So I guess, in other words, what is the true price of comfort? Questions. Just questions.

I recall last year, in RE class, part of our coursework was a case study on the unfair payment of Nike production-line workers. Such expensive shoes yet so cheap to make for the company. Makes me wonder, how many of the grand extravagant commodities that enter the West are actually made fairly? 

It seems kinda hypocritical for me to say that it's unfair when I am the average consumer; blissfully ignorant of where these commodities come from and who actually makes them. Afterall, it's not the multi-billion dollar companies doing the work, but the production-line workers who get paid a miserable few dollars or cents for a day's effort. 

Ignorance is bliss because it means that you don't have to do anything about it. But once you consider the possibility- you must act in some way. I guess one way is to investigate - find out who is really doing the work. Another way is to boycott the corporate giants that drive this injustice. 

Once again, I am kinda being hypocritical here, since I, a Westerner, enjoy the comforts of such commodities without realising, perhaps even ignoring, where they came from and how they came to arrive on my shelf. But now, that I consider the possibility of this social injustice, I can't be ignorant of it any longer- I have to act on what I know; the question remains is of course, how?

Revelation!

Revelation! - it may not sound like much but it's a personal milestone - I'm human. The implications of which include the concept of making mistakes, consequences and errors. Wow. This is an amazing thought - to me anyway. Whoever reads this, take a moment to consider what it really means to be human, because I can not explain it in enough words to fill this page. It is something incredible that few, if any, words can grasp. I think it was JFK who said, 'When something was broken, the ancient Japanese would fill the cracks with gold, for they believed that once something was broken it had a history, making it more beautiful.' - Well, something along those lines. But anyway, I realise now that I have work on acknowledging my own humanity - implying that I must be honest, accepting my mistakes and misjudgments, without dwelling on them pedantically. Afterall, I am only human and was it not Agatha Christy who said, 'and then I remember to be alive is a grand thing itself.' 

So literal

Okay, I gotta remember to not be so literal, so pedantic about what people say. Also, I have to be honest, and at the moment that means admitting the uncomfortable truth... I'm jealous. Jealous because my gf thinks that Danielle Radcliffe is hot. How is stupid is that? I feel kinda bad at the same time, and guilty for feeling jealous. My gf found a naked photo of him on the internet. I looked aswell and just felt that surge of jealousy within him, which I did not know how to express, so instead I suppressed it - was that a good thing to do?  

I guess I should not be jealous, since I have looked at pretty girls as well, but it seems so.... automatic. Then I feel like a hypocrite - if I have looked lustfully at pretty girls, then why can't my gf do the same? These emotions are so... powerfully that they threaten to in an instead take-over- would that be a good thing? 

As a I said earlier, I gotta remember to not be so literal and concrete about what people say. But I also need to learn how to express emotions correctly, especially this one; cos' all I've done is bottled it up deep inside- feeding Rex. 

Look forward

I'm slowly coming to realise that I need to look forward. You can't continue to look back, dwell pedantically on the past and hope for a better future. I think you must learn from the past, but always look forward. The past can not be changed, but the future still remains to be discovered. 

Drama

I remember why I enjoy drama once again. Today, from 9-3 I was at school rehearsing with the cast of The Servant of Two Masters. It was fun, though a particular scene was uncomfortable for me, since it involved my character (Florindo) to romantically embrace with his lover (Beatrice) So cheesy!  But none-the-less it was exciting, thrilling and I walked to the train station filling uplifted. 

It seems that drama is the only place where I can escape from Rex, because I can escape my own mindset and personality and immerse myself into persona of another. 

There is only a month-and-a-half remaining until the matinee and opening night. What concerns me is that in this short space of time we all must memorise our lines, some of which extend for whole paragraphs without interruption. I think to try to memorise I'll record the lines and of others and then fill-in the spaces where my character is meant to intercede. What also concerns me is that I don't know how well I can manage time in this regard... Only one way to find out I suppose. 

Thrills and chills

Despite the cold and dark, I decided to walk for a long time tonight, well.. yesterday night now. I strolled away from my usual course, seemingly tired of the routine and travelled beyond the known places of my residential suburb. 

In a sense, I felt proud for having walked so far. I traveled from one end to the other and even walked past Aaron's house. This may sound freaky or weird, but I took a photo of his house to prove to him latter that I had walked past it during the night. 

I stopped by two parks. The first was on the far end, away from my home. It was very open and I just sat on the swing and thought about how the Rex factor of my personality is affecting my gf (as I discussed in the pervous post) 

The second park I stopped by was more enclosed and across the street from where I resided as an infant in the flats. The block of flats adjacent to the park, whose name is Oakden, possessed a certain charm. They were... cottage-like, unique in that I had never seen anything like them. So quiet and serene. If the walls of those buildings could talk, I bet they would tell thousands of stories, going back all the way to my own infancy, as they watched me play in that same park.

I layed down on the slide in the night and looked upwards into the starry sky. I began to wonder about those lights and even saw in my mind's eye constellations of my own. I named one Special K, also known as Gumpy, reflecting its shape and how it reminded of the children's television character Gumpy. 

I also felt a bit small, thinking that each star, though tiny is view, is in actuality massive. And I pondered some of my own cosmic mysteries, which in a way didn't really make sense so I won't discuss them here.

I walked home then and quickly creaked the gate shut and went inside. I didn't want anyone at home to know that I had been out for so long, and since they hadn't called on my mobile I assumed that nan thought I was at mum and dad's, and mum and dad thought I was at nan's. 

A monster called Rex

He is back. That demonic monster in my head. Was he ever gone? He tells me that he has only reinvented himself; taken on a different approach, yet the goals remain the same. 

His greatest trick was to convince me that he had disappeared. Yet, his trick was foiled in a sense today, as his presence became apparent, as in heated talk with my gf, I changed masks in a sense. One moment I was nice, the next I was terrible and ruthless and then sympathetic and so on. I could not hold on to a single feeling, for so many diverse emotions flushed forth. Is this some type of disorder? Such rapid mood swings and changes in emotion. 

As I said in a previous post, I can no longer tell where he ends and I begin. He has become so well disguised in my personality that I can no longer distinguish him from myself. Yet, as I also said before, he is affecting the way I act. And the way I act is affecting the people I love. :( 

If only it were so simple to make him, rex, distinct from myself. To make us seperate individuals. Yet it is not. He is a mere abstraction of negative thinking - a figment of cognition, yet significant, influential and deceptive. 

The origins of his name are not Latin nor German, but rather a twist of the English word 'wrecks' The name was suggested by Lorraine, a psychologist who facilitated my early CBT in Banksia. The name is as true today as it was then, only in a different sense. 

I was thinking about how I used to have fun. I remembered when my gf came over on a summer day and we would splash in the pool in the backyard. I miss those treasured moment. But then I remembered that I missed the person in that picture aswell- the old me. Though he was not perfect, he was not so moody or uptight and he could actually recognise Rex, whereas, I can no longer. 

Rex has taken a toll on my relationship with my gf, indeed it has been driven to breaking-point due to my constant mood swings and particularly the anger and frustration from deep within. She deserves to be happy, and I worry that because of this Rex factor affecting our relationship, she will not be as happy. 

I worry for her tonight, because as she has repeated to me, 'I have no one.' reflecting on the fact that she herself has recently completed therapy with one counsellor and has moved on to another. 

I worry for our relationship and how we are going to overcome this incredible obstacle. She can no longer bear to put up with my irritability and I don't blame her for it. I get scared that I'll mistreat her badly and say mean things out of the frustration and anger I am feeling. I get scared that I'll compromise her own treatment and her health. I don't want to do that. As I said, she deserves to be happy.

Great line!

I just remembered a fantastic line from the Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. It goes something like, 'Look Mr. Frodo. Up there... There is light, beauty, that no shadow can touch.' I though it was one of the most meaningful and thought-provoking quotes of the entire trilogy. I assume that the star they saw peering through the dark clouds of Mordor was indeed Earendil- who in the Silmarilion bore a Silmaril upon its brow into the heavens. 

I find Tolkein's mythological works to convey significant meaning. Particularly considering his account on the creation of Arda as an orchestrated grand-theme of music of interchanging melodies and symphonies, contrasted to the clamour and conflict weaved into the fabric of reality by Morgoth's malcontent. It is a beautiful picture in the mind's eye and places emphasis on the role of the Children of Iluvatar, who are the elves, men and drwarves; the firstborn, the second born and the adopted. It is a tale of mythology that draws together such imagination which inspires one to think and to appreciate ultimately the beauty of creation. 

Monsters in the closet

There's a monster in my head and his name is Rex. In German meaning 'right', in Latin meaning 'king', yet he is neither. I don't know now where he ends and where I begin, because he's in my head. He talks like me and makes me think like him. He plays tricks and then laughs at me. He makes me think what he thinks. And because of him, my loved ones' are affected by me, by what I think and how I act- and because of that, I'm pushing them further and further away, to a threshold of breaking point. To defeat him, I need to change. To break him I need to reverse old habits and to start thinking differently... the opposite of pedantically. To do that, I must believe that I am capable of change - independent change; for now the need to change resides only with me and none other can do it for me. 

Reflections on love

It was Christian personalist Dorothy Day who said something like, 'Love is the only thing that makes sense of a senseless world.' Indeed, I think she was right. There is so much confusion and conflict that one struggles to hold on to the truth of what really matters. It isn't money - even though I've coveted it today. It isn't an object or a goal. But it's love that really matters. It's love that makes sense of life and it's love that is the light which dispells the shadows of confusion and falsehood. I think about what a certain Bulgarian mystic once said, 'Love is not an abstraction, it is the ultimate reality.' 

Yet to love is a challenge. Something that everyone probably knows too well. A challenge that becomes ever more difficult due to the confusions wrought by falsehood or unrestrained desire. Yet, I'm not one to talk. Today I was thinking about money and how to get more of it. But for the moment I realise, money is a distraction. There will always be money, but it can't buy love or real happiness. 

I think some of my friends wonder why I believe in Christianity; the answer I guess isn't so simple. I was baptised a Catholic and went through Catholic education and was raised in a strictly Catholic family. But it isn't just a cultural situation. The essence of my belief is that God is love - And that God, eternal and perfect, gives himself to us, his children, completely, totally and eternally, in every way imaginable and unimaginable, and most ultimately and incredibly in Christ- the living love of God with us. That is why when I think of Jesus, I try not to think of a carpenter that lived over 2000 years ago, or a great moral teacher, but rather I think of love and what it means to really love. To sacrifice everything for the one you love. Truly, I see love when I think of Christ. I see in my heart, God sacrificing perpetual immortality for the sake of his mortal children. I see a love so perfect that not even death itself could restrain. 

I don't know if I could express myself any clearer on my beliefs, but I guess I think that it's all about love. And that love therefore is the only thing that make sense of the world and get rid of all this confusion. 

As I said before, to love is a challenge, but a heavenly challenge - one that gives meaning and one that sets the heart free, whilst all else may bind it. 

I think the expression of love must be in the giving.

Anyway, I end this post of ponderings and reflections hoping that it does make a difference to write these things and to express what I believe. I also hope that it helps me to remember what's important and to consider as Oscar Romero said, 'Aspire not to have more, but to be more.' 

I need to do something real; to make a difference somehow.
I was reading about Oxford University on Wikipedia and it seems like the oldest university in the modern world, well-over eight centuries old and comparable in age to Plato's Academy. As I looked through the site, reading about this historic place, I began to think about education in a broader spectrum and remembered an unsourced quote that likened lack of education to lack of food. And now I am reminded of the immense poverty that plagues the world. I wonder how can the superpowers have such incredible wealth and some peoples have none at, not even a dime to buy a loaf of bread or a cup of clean water. It seems all too true that the rich get richer while the poor get poorer, in terms of wealth and opportunity. 

Everything has become a commodity, even 'some aspects of human life have been sold off' Are we placing irrational value on money? Yes. And as globalisation speeds ahead are some being left behind? Indeed it seems so. What happened that made money more valuable than life itself? Or what put price on a life? Is it the relativism of the age? Where are we headin'? 

I can't imagine what my personal situation would be like if I had not attended primary school or secondary school. I love learning and in pondering the extreme lack of education it seems like one of the greatest privileges to be able to go to school, to socialise and to learn. So I feel some impulse or need to do something; to make some difference in a good way. The only thing to consider now is the how. 

Idea!

Often when I start a blog it won't last long. Within weeks the blog will be as inactive as it was from it's inception. However, recalling my English teacher's advice to 'write consistently', a blog seems like the perfect innovation to facilitate these words of wisdom. Where else can you write unceasingly but a blog? As such, I think this blog may be a little more active than the others. You never know... depends on school, but I guess I should try and maintain it as best as possible, for now.
Anyway, to conclude this post for the night/early morning, I shall say ciao and goodnight.

Ben

Change

In Year 9, I was diagnosed with OCD. In the two years since then most people assume that I have 'completely' recovered. Yet, as was revealed to my gf, friend and myself this week, it is far from the fact. I have seemingly fallen into a relapse, yet this is not what worries me so much as the fact that my obsessive-compulsive behaviour affects the people I love. I need to change my behaviour, yet I struggle to know even where to begin. Up until this week I would not even consider that I had a recurring problem, yet when I consider how I've hurt the people I love, it becomes apparent and disturbingly clear. I know that my behaviour needs to change, before I completely push away the people I love.
In retrospect, I've already started to push them away. I've already hurt them. How do you reverse hurt?