A monster called Rex

He is back. That demonic monster in my head. Was he ever gone? He tells me that he has only reinvented himself; taken on a different approach, yet the goals remain the same. 

His greatest trick was to convince me that he had disappeared. Yet, his trick was foiled in a sense today, as his presence became apparent, as in heated talk with my gf, I changed masks in a sense. One moment I was nice, the next I was terrible and ruthless and then sympathetic and so on. I could not hold on to a single feeling, for so many diverse emotions flushed forth. Is this some type of disorder? Such rapid mood swings and changes in emotion. 

As I said in a previous post, I can no longer tell where he ends and I begin. He has become so well disguised in my personality that I can no longer distinguish him from myself. Yet, as I also said before, he is affecting the way I act. And the way I act is affecting the people I love. :( 

If only it were so simple to make him, rex, distinct from myself. To make us seperate individuals. Yet it is not. He is a mere abstraction of negative thinking - a figment of cognition, yet significant, influential and deceptive. 

The origins of his name are not Latin nor German, but rather a twist of the English word 'wrecks' The name was suggested by Lorraine, a psychologist who facilitated my early CBT in Banksia. The name is as true today as it was then, only in a different sense. 

I was thinking about how I used to have fun. I remembered when my gf came over on a summer day and we would splash in the pool in the backyard. I miss those treasured moment. But then I remembered that I missed the person in that picture aswell- the old me. Though he was not perfect, he was not so moody or uptight and he could actually recognise Rex, whereas, I can no longer. 

Rex has taken a toll on my relationship with my gf, indeed it has been driven to breaking-point due to my constant mood swings and particularly the anger and frustration from deep within. She deserves to be happy, and I worry that because of this Rex factor affecting our relationship, she will not be as happy. 

I worry for her tonight, because as she has repeated to me, 'I have no one.' reflecting on the fact that she herself has recently completed therapy with one counsellor and has moved on to another. 

I worry for our relationship and how we are going to overcome this incredible obstacle. She can no longer bear to put up with my irritability and I don't blame her for it. I get scared that I'll mistreat her badly and say mean things out of the frustration and anger I am feeling. I get scared that I'll compromise her own treatment and her health. I don't want to do that. As I said, she deserves to be happy.